Many have told me that I should write a book about my life. It has been prophesied over me more times then I can count. I don’t know if I’ll ever get there but since I have this blog I finally have built up enough courage to share this story with you. It is graphic so beware and you might want to have some tissues near you.
I can be the nicest, sweetest, most sincere person you’ve ever met. I can also be the most vindictive, hateful, revengeful, person you’ve ever met. I self sabatoge and then afterward I ask myself why the heck did I do that? I still can’t seem to find the answer. I’ve prayed and journaled so much in the last few days and I struggle with finding the root to this ugly side of me.
I know it’s about to rear its ugly head when I feel the most betrayed, let down, hurt, or thrown out like yesterday’s trash. It’s happened a number of times to me- being thrown away like an object and not an actual person.
I’ve experienced all abuse imaginable- being tied up, spit on, raped- sexual abuse by the closest of my family and some boys who I thought were my friends. I’ve also experienced emotional abuse by many men and my father would call me all kinds of names and slap me around, berating me. I remember I had cleaned the bathroom but I missed one tiny hair on the sink and my father called me a dumb ass, worthless, piece of shit, but the worst of all was being sold for sex by a “fiend” (which means evil and demonic person) that I trusted in my life and being raped repeatedly my multiple “men” all through out my early teens. I remember the very first guy was this 40 or 50 year old who was a business man and had a lot of wealth and daughters of his own because I saw the family pictures in the master bedroom where he had his way with me. I was 14. (This is why I have a huge heart for helping Sex trafficking victims).
When I was 15 I was drugged and raped by two guys who I trusted as well. That’s what led me even further down a hole of self destruction because no one helped me and I kept it a secret for a very long time. I remember there was a bottle of ibuprofen and I took the whole thing to kill myself and thank God it was ibuprofen and not Tylenol because Tylenol would have caused acetaminophen poisoning and I surely would have been dead, but God had big plans for my life and I survived that first attempt.
Background: My parents divorced when I was 2. Mom brought us to Wisconsin and remarried a lunatic who abused her all the time. We would visit our dad on holiday and when I was 5 and my brother 4 we told our mom something our dad did. It was that instant that my whole life changed. Danny and I spent the rest of our early years in CPS, therapy, psychiatrists, and did not have a normal childhood. My mom was an alcoholic and our life with her and my stepdad wasn’t the best environment either. Danny I were in foster care until the judge could decide the best living arrangements. Alas, It was my dad who got custody of us when I was 8. He and his girlfriend Cindy took us into their home down in Florida so I basically had to make all new friends. I missed my mom so much. I cried every night. Cindy died in a car accident a year later and my dad went off the deep end. He could barely take care of himself, let alone us. So, I raised my brother and I from 9 years of age until high school. My dad was a fisherman and would be gone every single night for multiple nights. Picture a 9 year old that you know being alone for years having to raise her brother. I had nightmares. I was scared of the dark, but I made sure Danny and I were okay. We slept in the same room and we always said our prayers before bed. We were all we had. It was also at this age when I had found out I had Cystinuria- a rare genetic kidney diseases that causes kidney stones to grow every day. One time I was in so much pain I began begging my father to take me to the ER. He said “I gotta sell these fish first and get some money”.. I was so angry and honestly thought I was dying. My dad had neglected my needs once again, but God placed this beautiful family in my life, the Frisbee family. They lived a few houses down from me and they were the family I was always looking for. They called me their Princess 2 (their daughter was Princess 1). I had the best times there and I always wanted to be with them. The mom would take me shopping, on family trips, bring me gifts when I was having kidney stone flare ups & they always involved me and my brother in their lives as much as they could. They didn’t know the extent of what was happening behind closed doors.
It wasn’t until high school when I left home at 14 for good and stayed with friends, boyfriends, whomever would take me. People at school just labeled me as this trashy whore, but I tried my hardest not to let anyone know what was really happening in my life. I started cheerleading, made honor roll, and still had this dark secret life I was hiding. I hung out with the wrong crowd and began experimenting with drugs and alcohol- anything to numb the pain. My mom had been absent from my life for 5 years and I always wondered if she was dead or alive. I had made a shrine of her and would cut myself every chance I got to relieve the pain of missing her. I know it sounds weird, but it gave me a release.
I ended up pregnant at 17 and lost the baby as well as dropping out of school, but that’s a different story I wish not to share yet (I did eventually get my GED).
The love of God and His grace and mercy changed everything for me when I met Jesus face to face on September 19. 2007 (I was 20) at a home for troubled women. This encounter rewrote history and gave me a future and a hope. I know longer saw myself as the victim, but as a person who could turn those testing times into a testimony and help others find the light in the darkest places. After spending almost 2 years in that women’s home, where I found God, I left Florida for good and moved to Virginia. I’ve been here ever since December 8, 2008. It’s here that I began living for the first time: a family, whom I now consider my real family, let me stay with them and I remember crying all the time because it was then that I realized how much I had missed growing up as a kid. I never felt loved growing up. I didn’t experience family dinners, movie nights, pretty Christmas trees and presents (except when my mom was sober and we did have a few extravagant christmas’), hugs and kisses were rare as well. Holidays were always with drunk people. This Christian family was so close and so loving. We ALWAYS ate dinner together and we had movie nights and game nights together. They treated me as a daughter and still do 10 years later. I’m actually going to visit them in two weeks.
I’ve gone through more trauma then most women in my circle of friends. Very few know the graphic details of my childhood; being kidnapped by my father from my mom when I was 5 (that didn’t last but a month), watching my step dad beat my mom every single night as blood splattered on the walls (Danny and I were 4-8 years old and I remember hiding under our beds, behind doors, in closets so afraid and trembling).
The amount of pain and suffering I experienced is unlike anything you may ever know and I’m not saying all of this to be a victim but to give others a glimpse into who I am, an overcomer. I’ve prayed through all of these things for over 10 years now and there are still things that come up to this day. To say I have dealt with suicidal attempts, depression, anger, personality disorder, PTSD, anxiety, addiction, self hatred, etc is an understatement. It’s been a battle since the day I was born- whether I was fighting for my life, literally, or fighting with a man to get off of me, or fighting my demons, I was always fighting.
I am so grateful to God for this life He has given me today. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it because I still struggle with my old ways which is what I am trying to stop. It’s so hard sometimes. When I feel wronged by someone and pushed aside like I never mattered; Like I was never there for them but only took from them and wondering if they really truly knew me and my heart. I let my hurts and deep pain and sadness and rejection cloud my judgement and I did something I’ll always regret and ruined a close friendship. This friendship that I’ve shattered will take an act of God to recover. It’s times like this where I question like what the hell happened to me in that moment of self destructive sabotaging behavior? I will always love this person and I think that’s what sucks, because I do feel like I never existed to them. I have to let her go. I’ve crossed too many lines. I will always love my friend. She was always a good friend who hurt me one time and I just couldn’t forgive her in that moment. I wish I could turn back time but only God can redeem the past now. I am working on this ugly side of me, the one who always has to make the other person feel tremendous pain for what they did and I think I just answered my own question as to the root of my issue which is all of the pain I’ve experienced in my life seems to be taken out on the closest to me. My husband, my best friends, my “sisters”. It’s like I want them to pay for my suffering which is so messed up and there has to be a revelation that God will bring justice to those who’ve hurt me in tragic ways and that I am not the judge or the prosecutor. I pray that I will give up my old and destructive ways so that I can keep friends instead of pushing them away.
Thank you for taking time to read my story. If you struggle with addiction, suicidal thoughts, self harm, or are being abused, please seek help. Don’t let it take you until your 20 to change your life. Tell a friends mom or a guidance counselor or a church pastor. I was always too afraid to speak up. God doesn’t want you to suffer. He has redeemed my life and I pray for yours to be as well. God bless ❤️